Unbalanced.

This week has found me a bit frazzled.  My fourth week back at work is coming to an end and I couldn't be more glad.  In fact I feel more relieved at the end of each week that passes me by.  How am I going to feel in two more weeks? Or eight?  I am finally getting to that point that everyone talks about, the pure exhaustion, the forgetfulness, the feeling like I can't do it.  I HATE IT.  And I didn't want to believe that it was true for everyone but I thought that when people talked about this they were referencing just the new baby part, not work too.  And maybe they were, who knows.  I've basically come to the conclusion that women are either a huge bunch of wusses or they literally just like to complain a lot (so I laugh off most of the stuff I hear).  Obviously that doesn't apply to everyone so don't get your panties in a bunch, but seriously there are a lot of whiners out there.  Especially when it comes to pregnancy/childbirth/having babies.  How 'bout you don't get pregnant if its THAT awful?  We all have our aches & pains but its not worth complaining about all day every day.  Anyways, that's not where this blog was meant to go.  A great example though of how my mind works these days, wander much? :) 

Back to me being frazzled.  Wake up time during the week is 5:15am.  Nine and a half times out of ten, Harper is still sleeping, and like every mother knows, or will quickly learn, you don't wake a sleeping baby, so I pump two bottles first thing in the morning.  Which by the way is the best time to do it if you have an angel child like we do who sleeps all night.  There's A LOT of milk waiting there for you :) (Sidenote: I hate pumping, but I might save that for another blog).  Next, I manage some sort of make up routine, and my hair usually goes up in a knot since I most likely slept on wet hair from my shower the night before and I don't really care to try to straighten that mess, try to put together some resemblance of a decent outfit, get my lunch together, make sure I have all the bottles ready & diaper bag packed, make my coffee and I am out the door by 6:30 to catch the van.  It's a lot, I try REALLY hard to do most of what I can the night before.  But this week I have been off.  I think its because there has been something going on after work most nights and I am not getting home until later so the routine has been off kilter and its catching up to me.  Normally, by the time I get back into town and to wherever my child happens to be to pick her up its around 5:00pm.  Then I have to hurry home to make sure I get the milk I've pumped at work into the fridge, get all the bottles washed, dog fed, baby fed, dishes in the dishwasher, think of something for dinner....boom 7:00.  What the...????  Chris may or may not be home at this time, sometimes he doesn't even come home because he will work at the fire station over night.  So when we have something going on after work or we end up going to dinner and don't get home until late, its no wonder that things get thrown off.  Its no wonder that I woke up this morning to unwashed bottles and nothing really substantial for lunch.  My type A personality doesn't take lightly to a kink in the routine so when it happens I feel anxious and it throws me for a ginormous loop.  Today was the first day I forgot something, kind of a crucial thing, LIDS to the bottles that get pumped into.  I can't pump into bottles and NOT put a lid on them.  And in my back up box of milk storage bags?  There are two.  Which is not enough to get through the day.  This may not seem like that big of a deal, but it is and it grasped my attention big time.  I had my first moment of "ok, I'm doing too much and yet I feel like I'm not doing enough".  Not doing enough as in, not spending as much time as I want with Harper in the few hours we have before bedtime, not having enough time for Chris & Chewey too.  They all want my undivided attention and I want to give it to them and I feel like there's not enough time.  I also feel like I'm not getting the attention I deserve either.  So how do families do this?  How do both parents work full time, have enough quality time for their kids, each other and for themselves, get the chores done & get to bed at a decent hour?  Ding ding ding!! BALANCE.  Clearly its going to take some getting used to.  I feel like something needs to change but I don't really know what yet.   I am unbalanced and the stress its giving me is making it worse. 

The crazy thing is, I don't want a break from it all, which might be the natural tendency, I just want to have more time for ALL of these things.  Since I'm not in the business of creating more hours in the day so they are readily available, I would be really popular if I was, I have to find a way to make it all work.  Its my job to make sure everyone is happy and satisfied and I know that we are not fully there yet.  I mean we are, but there's definitely room for improvement in some areas.  I might be putting too much pressure on myself, its been known to happen, but I want to be the BEST wife, the BEST Mom and feel that love and appreciation in return EVERY day.  In my mind there isn't any reason to not want and have that.  So it takes a lot for me to admit that I am frazzled, I feel defeated, I'm sure not every one's love bank is full, including my own and that's not ok.  Do I need to ask for more help from Chris?  Probably.  Do I need to put less pressure on myself? Yes.  Do we all need to find balance?  Abso-friggin-lutely.   

**disclaimer!  This is, by no means, how I am feeling on the over all happy scale.  This is the best time of my life and I will shout it from the roof tops.  Finding balance is all part of the adjustment and has been the hardest part so far.  I'm just trying to keep it real ;)**